Men-Talk : The Penis Dialogues

You know we guys might seem abrupt and cold when it comes to stuff like emotions, but we have worries as well....it's just that we find it harder to emote our feelings cos we've been conditioned since small to be strong and brave and somehow along the way, showing emotions or talking about ur worries seem to be a failing or weak-point.

Neways, when men get together around the pub / mamak stall or even in front of the TV (watching a sport event of course!) or in the gym, we slowly open up and talk to each other about what's really bugging us: money & finances, impotence, going bald prematurely, sexual conquests (usually with lotsa embellishments of course!), dating (or not having a date) and of course marriage (or the fear of it).

So in the spirit of fostering closer ties between men-women relations (hahahaha, as if I'm the ambassador for menfolk worldwide pulak!) I present to you: The Penis Dialogues, chronicling highlights from conversations men get up to when they're together....

Background: This is a conversation had between 2 men in a gym working out in the weight room. One is a well-built fellow with supermodel looks while the other One is lil 'ol Me.
---------------------------

You know what ?

What ?

Sometimes life's just isn't fair....sigh...

Why ?

I mean I've been trying to go out with this girl, right...so I call her day & night, send her flowers, etc. etc. yet she rejects me...and a few months later...I hear from a friend of mine that's she's going out with a guy who doesn't even have a degree, isn't working and is just leeching of her....

Maybe the guy has a BIG dick ?

I'm trying to be serious here !

Hahaaha! Sorry man I couldn't resist. Seriously tho' girls just go WET for that Rebel with a Devil May Care attitude innit ? I betcha every woman secretly fantasizes for a rebel.

Yeah right! I mean what the fuck? I have a degree, I earn good money, drive a good car, yet a Mat Rempit on a motorbike gets to go out with the chick of my dreams!

Hahaha...that's life mate. God made it fair so u get what u NEED, not what u WANT. Cos at the end of the day, human beings have an endless stream of 'wants'. Even if God fulfilled every single thing we wanted, I betcha the human psyche would come up with a million more things we wanted!

Fuck it! Stop going all Freudian on me with your psycho-babble! Life's just isn't fair...sometimes I wonder whether there's something wrong with me or....

STOP!

What ?

I said STOP whatever u were gonna say man cos I would bitch-slap u from where I'm standing here across the room if u finish that sentence!

What the fu- ?

I mean look at you man! You got a body sculpted like a Demi-God. (*Looks down at my own body with derision as I pinch my love handles) I betcha you could go into any club and pick up a handful of chicks anytime. A.N.Y.-time !

I know...I know.....I do that all the time... *grins*

Then what the fuck man ? I know a 100 guys who would willingly amputate their left ball (and I stress this WILLINGLY!) to be in ur shoes man ! U got it good man....guys like me just 'dream' of making it in ur leagues...heck even for a day...no, even for an HOUR !

But then....

But then what man ? Don't tell me all those shaggin haven't been fun ? No, don't ruin my dreams man! I swear, ur making my dreams of paradise into a nightmare right now...

No...no, I mean it's been fun...but at the end of the day, it's empty, frivolous fun...it's like riding a rollercoaster for a buzz...after a few minutes, the buzz stops...and u have to continually find bigger and crazier rollercoasters JUST for a few minutes of buzz...

U mean like EXPERIMENT with positions and shit ?

Yep.

Kama-Sutra shit ?

Done it.

What about hot candle wax and handcuffs ?

Done and done.

Using honey, ice cream and chocolate / whip cream ?

Yep, done that, done that, done that as well...oh and cherry topping helps make it more fun... sigh... *rolls eyes slowly*

S&M, whipping, gagging and vegetables ?

Sigh...done that, done that, done that &...sorry what were you saying about vegetables again ?

U know, when the dildo runs out of batteries and u have to resort to using an oversized carrot or sumthin to stimulate her...

Shit ! What the fuck is wrong with you? That is TWISTED ?! Where do you come up with this stuff anyway ? Seriously, sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you, dude! It's things like this which makes you a bad date you know !

Whhhhaaaattt ? Whaaaatt ?
*(Imitates Fat Bastard from Austin Powers-rubbing my nipples in a circular fashion while exclaiming in a thick Scottish brogue: "Look at Ma Se-xay Bo-dey!")*

Women go crazy over depraved stuff like that man! U know that secretly they fantasize about that as well....

Hahaha...you must be reading up on those Playboy letters section again aren't ya...do you know the editors actually write out those letters since no one is SAD enough to write in ? Take it from me boyo, women wants to feel as if they're special when having sex...not some mixing bowl for a coleslaw you're making laters....

Uuuuggghhh.....BAD mental picture stuck in my mind! U just put me off my dinner u rat bastard u!

Seriously now..I just feel helpless sometimes you know...I ...I....

U what ?

I want to fall in LOVE.....

What the fu- ? Sorry mate I can't help you there...neways all this touchy-feely crap is taking my concentration away from my weights...*hupp*(Attempts to lift weights).....grunt!...*Achkk!*.... Dude....


What ?

I think I just sprained my back....help me up man...

Damn...here we go again...sigh......


;-p