i AM what i AM !!!

"I don’t think you’ve a bad heart anyway, just slightly sleazier that any normal sleazy guy."
~Ed, Diva

"OMG, you've gotten SO cynical!"
~Zura, former Primary 12 classmates I met up with recently

"How did you manage to end up being a male chauvinist anyway? :P True in a way that your blogs are just that, but I can't help thinking that these women we know who reads them; reads them to built more anger towards you for whatever reason."
~Shuks, my CIMB brother-in-arms

"I've failed you somehow. I feel guilty because my absence in the past two years might have led you down this dark path of corruption."
~Faizal Mokhtar, long-lost buddy and my "significant other" comic-book wise

"Ko memang poyo Nik!"
~Kak Nora, annoyingly observant Debt Research team secretary

"I'm a MAN who thinks with his d1ck 24-7. If women can't get over that fact, FCUK 'EM! Who needs 'em neways?? (Errmm...WE DO?!)"
~Conversation between NiK's subconcious & his (d1ck) ;-p

And NOW we come back FULL CIRCLE. Isn't it ironic?

Refer back to my blogpost 2 years ago when I reflected upon my disenchantment with life and its constant cycles on my Frenster pages:

I'm a 23 year old Corporate 'Flunky' who just entered the Rat Race in one of Malaysia's Premier Merchant Bank.

Still getting used to the fact that I'm no longer a teenager but an actual living-breathing-honest-to-goodness-working Adult.

Currently facing a 'mid-mid-life crisis' as I start questioning what I'm currently doing and whether I want to do it for the next 30 years of my life

I mean, I finished 11 years worth of schooling, then did 3 years of college, and another 3 years of Uni JUST to end up behind a desk in a nondescript cubicle, in a nondescript corporate building?

Is this ALL there is to LIFE then ?

To repeat the cycle my parents did and their parents before them did as well ?

Live, Work, Breed, Die.

Repeat Ad Nauseam.

There I was fresh out off uni; just back from UK and starting up my career in CIMB. After the wide-eyed sheen of new experiences at the workplace faded, i FELT LOST, as though I was a bit player on this universal play acted by millions of players on a global scale. Continuing a mundane CYCLE of life. Cukup makan utk terus hidup but nothing more!

And now, 2 years on; i FEEL the SAME disenchantment I had all those months ago. i FEEL LOST, unhinged, disjointed...NOT MYSELF. Here's what I currently have on my Frenster profile:

Is THIS all there is to life?

Get a job. get a nice car. get a big house. get a "model" wife. get 2.5 kids. send them to the best schools. send them overseas to uni. get them the best jobs in town. watch the whole process repeat itself with your kids.

In the meantime:
Do drugs. get high. go drinking. go clubbing. do women. go on vacation. read thought provoking books. watch movies. listen to music.

JUST to pass the time by as you complete the same cycle your parents and their parents before them HAVE completed.

I'm TIRED of this cycle and WANT to break free.

If ur thinkin the same thing, I'm interested in meeting you....

The one thing I realised in the past two years working for this corporate machine is this: "I've LOST sight who I actually am"

In my fervour to keep up with the joneses, be one of the gang, be accepted into their fold...i've LOST TOUCH with who i am, what makes me tick, what makes me, well... ME !

And that in a way is reflected in my writings on this blog I guess, and the way I communicate my ideas, or how I treat people in the past two years:

I profess I don't enjoy smoking (well maybe just w**d but NOT cigarettes 24-7 like a chimney). I mean WHY smoke if ur not going to get ANY high off of it??

i ABHOR and HATE clubbing. ( i LOVE the beautiful people and enjoy the music, but the smoke and the alcohol just isn't me). I'm more of a pub/jazz bar/lounge kinda guy where you can just hang out and chit chat to get to know each other better to the background of good music.

I wasn't born with a silver spoon in my mouth. Having RM50ish lunches without batting an eyelid does not come like second nature to me. I'm not hip and aware to all the posh restaurants/hotels/eateries or the latest craze in culinary KL.

YET, people CAN change. People CAN adapt. People CAN learn. But NOT at the expense of my own identity, until I become something I'm not. To the point that I'm FAKE to these new friends I enjoy hanging out with.

Being a voracious reader and a born writer, I'm fascinated by PEOPLE.

Therefore I'm constantly fascinated by whatever dissects people's behaviour from Stephen Covey (7 Habits to Highly Effective People) to Dale Carnegie (How To Win Friends & Influence People) to Robert T. Kiyosaki (Rich Dad, Poor Dad) to the many, many articles I've put up online on Woman, Dating & Relationships by David Deangelo, Mystery (The Mystery method), and Neill Strauss (The Game:Undercover in The Secret Society of Pick Up Artists).

REMEMBER MY DEAR READERS: These are all MERELY ideas.

Guidelines left by the respective writers about a certain way to lead your life.JUST because it is on my blog, DOES NOT per say mean that i BELIEVE in them 100% !!!

A far, far, more wiser MAN before me sang out this line which I think holds true at this point in my life: "Buang yang keruh, ambil yg jernih" ~P. Ramlee

As a frail human put upon this Earth by God, I am BUT one individual. My identity is constantly in flux, shaped by my current beliefs and experiences AND my past and upbringing.

It's finding a FINE BALANCE between both the past and the present to forge my future which makes being a human being SO exciting. So Maybe what I think is correct NOW is flawed and might be proven so in the FUTURE, THAT'S WHAT BEING A HUMAN IS ALL ABOUT!

MAKING MISTAKES AND LEARNING FROM IT!!!

It's FUNNY and IRONIC how as adults, we see failing or people who fail as secondary citizens who are worse off compared to us. But have u realised that THEY are far, far, better off than you (in terms of life experiences)? They at least have the balls to try something in life, and failure just happens to be the outcome.

Remember how when you first learnt how to ride a bike, or fly a kite, or read a Peter & Jane book, you'd fail and fail again? Yet the human spirit in you persisted, and therefore you evolved into what you are today.

What is important, is to continue living your lives & taking more chances, LEARN from your mistakes, and continue grabbing life by its balls.

In closing, I'd like to thanks ALL my dear friends (the ones featured up there at the start of this RANT, and the ones not). Your prescence in my life has enriched me, made me who I am, and in a way influenced who I WILL be in the future.

Do not fear any reprisals/anger if you feel the need to comment me on my outlook on life. Say your 2 cents and give me an idea of your point of view. Despite my aggro/emo nature (as evidenced here in my writings), I actually welcome comments/feedback on my behaviour. It actually gives me a yardstick to compare what I think I am, against what I actually are.

Always remember: DARE to FAIL and never forget that REINVENTION is the KEY to EVOLUTION.

;-)